Who am I?

lunargirl27

I realized throughout my time here in these pages that I’ve never really introduced myself. I’ve alluded to bits of my story, hinting at some trouble with physical and mental illness. But I haven’t given you an overview.

So. Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Marisa.

I am a 41-year old woman who loves to write, dance, make art, and dig in the dirt (and many, many other things). I’m also someone who has lived through at least 38 years of chronic illness (Crohn’s disease + other autoimmune disorders) and twenty-five(ish) years of mental illness (major depressive disorder, anxiety, eating disorder, and a misdiagnosis of bipolar II). Though I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago, I suspect that C-PTSD is a bit more accurate. I’ve had multiple surgeries, catheters, treatments of prednisone, immunosuppressants, and nasal gastric tube feedings; a year of electroshock therapy, and so many anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, etc. that I will never remember them all. AND… throughout these many years, I have finally formed a reliable support system, I’ve found what works (and what doesn’t), and I’m learning to treat myself with kindness, love, and compassion. I have bounced back and forth between illness and health for a very long time, the threads of physical and mental dis-ease woven so tightly together they were, and still are, impossible to pull apart. I finally understand that much of my behavior was fueled by self-limiting beliefs and that the self-loathing I believed to be the center of it all, covered up a pain so great my body had to hide it in order for me to survive. Today I’m ready to uncover these old wounds because I know I can handle what’s underneath. I’m ready.  I also love myself enough to know I deserve more than a life lived in pain’s shadow. Though the light is bright and stepping into it terrifying, I’m willing to walk hand in hand with the fear. If I can only love myself enough to assuage that tender part of me that feels it so. I only know what I can do for this moment.  So I’m dealing with the heart of it all and I’m opening in ways I never dreamed imaginable. This has always been a path of healing that I’ve been on. I am stronger than I ever believed myself to be. And so are you, trust me.

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Published by lunargirl27

I am a writer and an artist, a teacher and a swing dancer (and a lover of all dancing); a woman who loves to dig in the dirt, talk to the flowers and sleep with the trees. I am an eternal student. Though I consider myself an introvert, my passion is finding true connection with others. I have lived with life-long chronic illness, and continue to struggle both with physical health issues, and bouts of depression and anxiety, sometimes debilitating. I am still reconciling my past with its effect on my present; learning to love the little girl who is still me, the one who carries our trauma. And I am finally, FINALLY, starting to know what loving myself actually feels like (less like an article in a self-help magazine, more like a loving expansiveness of self and a union with others. I don't like that description at all, but for now I'll let it be. This will kill my perfectionist). I'm here because I want to share my experience, strength, and hope. Not because I want to save or fix you, but because I hope you will see a reflection of your own strength and ability to heal in my words. The bad news is that no one will do this hard, at times painful, self-exploratory work for you. It's a humbling process. The good news is that you are capable of seeking help, and you deserve the love, support, and understanding that will help you heal. I acknowledge here, my privilege of having access to emotional support resources. I know I am one of the lucky ones. Though we cannot see each other, I know a little piece of you, just as you know a little piece of me. Our stories may be different, but we understand a shared pain. Though the specifics belong to each of us alone, our healing comes from also being able to see the similarities. This is how we break out of our isolation. And even if none of this helps you, maybe something here will lead you to a path that can offer you some hope and healing. Reach out anytime, I would love to hear from you.

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